No,

because I love you.

I have a hard time saying "no." I say "no" about 200 times before lunch, and frankly after lunch I'm just done. I'm done being the bad guy, I'm through with the fits it causes, and well sometimes I just want to say "yes it is a great idea to pull that coffee cup off of the table on top of your head, YAY!" I haven't really ever said that, but the thought has obviously occurred to me as I have just entered it in to the hall-of-internet-record. My husband pointed out this flaw a couple months ago, and I humbly accepted his word that I was a softy and promptly changed my ways.

(The heavy sarcasm is hard to deliver via the written word, but please note it in the above recollection.)

So I thought about how I was going to process this new found flaw and here's what I came up with:

I accept "no" from God daily. I have accepted it for the last 6 years, and have accepted it with joy for the past 18 months. If I had my way (which is obviously flawed and void of discernment) I would live near my family and be completely codependent (at least the me that I remember when I lived near them was that way). I would eat dinner at their house at least once a week and drink coffee with my mom on Saturday mornings while reading the paper. There are days when it is painful to imagine never having that again. But over the last 18 months, I have come to a place where I am not only content with my distance, but I am joyfully certain that it is making me the person that God wants me to be. God tells me "no" over and over because it's in my best interest.

When I first realized this, it sucked. I threw a little fit every time I was reminded of it. I bargained in my prayers, and rolled my eyes at the sky when I thought about it. If it was socially acceptable, I may have even kicked and screamed it made me so angry. Looking back on those days, I don't even recognize myself in those memories - I acted like a toddler.

Which leads me to my parenting revelation. If God tells me "no" because he loves me, why can't I say that phrase to my kids? So that's what I've been doing. When my daughter or son require me to say "no" I have been saying, "No, because I love you." It makes me feel like what I really am: a parent who wants to raise kids who understand that being without something you want isn't a punishment it's a refinement. No isn't optional - it's necessary.

My daughter replies to my new phrase with things like this: "I love you too mama, but I think that Pop-A-sicle would make me feel better."

Inner-monologue-addendum: Yes, popsicles are magical. She has a point. And she is very cute with blue lips, maybe if I cave this one time she won't remember?.... No, just say no...No. No. No.

A year

It's been almost a year since I blogged. I had lots to say, but instead of writing it down and putting it out there - I said it. Mostly. I've been making an effort to communicate honestly this past year, and it led me to the conclusion that my blogging style was a passive aggressive way of getting myself heard. When I blogged on something that bugged me it made me feel like the issue was resolved, but it wasn't - not in real life, just in my inner monologue.

So here's what I've learned from being more honest this year.
1. You can be as honest as you like, and sometimes that helps people be honest with you. BUT most of the time it just makes them uncomfortable, we are not used to true honesty.
2. There's a nice way to say everything. EVERYTHING. You just have think harder to come up with it. This is the "filter" everyone talks about. I've tried to develop a filter. It's a formula in my head that looks something like this: Honestythatwillhurt+Person'slevelofhonesty+myabilitytodealwiththefallout= DO I SAY IT?
Surprisingly, this process helps me not say things I don't mean. Sometimes being quiet says it all.
3. I am drawn to honest people, aren't you? I love them, honesty that is real about things that matter is just irresistible. Even if I don't agree, which happens.
4. Honesty & Truth do not always live together. Just because a person is honest, doesn't mean they're truthful. But most of the time if a person is willing to be honest, they are also willing to admit they really know very little. We all know very little. Honestly.
5. It hurts to be honest. Especially the first time. Being honest has consequences, especially after a long history of being dishonest. The past 6 months has been full of situations surrounding me exploding because of 1 lie. Lies are like cockroaches - there is never just 1. Lies steal our energy, rob our lives, and ruin our relationships. How come we can't quit? Because we are addicted to the drama. It's fun to be worked up about something- a rush. It's a cheap high, and we sell out to it all too often. We think pretending is better. That's a lie.
6. The cost of honesty is high in the beginning. Consider yourself a pioneer, because you may be the first person to tell the truth in a long time. That means that people won't like it, do it anyways. In the end (which may feel like a million years away) you will be ok, at least that's what I keep telling myself.

In Proverbs a lot of stuff is prescribed. If anyone ever masters every principle - let me know I want to shake your hand. Here's what Proverb 10 has to say about life:

¹ Wise son, glad father; stupid son, sad mother.

² Ill-gotten gain gets you nowhere;
an honest life is immortal.

³ God won't starve an honest soul,
but he frustrates the appetites of the wicked.

⁴ Sloth makes you poor;
diligence brings wealth.

⁵ Make hay while the sun shines—that's smart;
go fishing during harvest—that's stupid.

⁶ Blessings accrue on a good and honest life,
but the mouth of the wicked is a dark cave of abuse.

⁷ A good and honest life is a blessed memorial;
a wicked life leaves a rotten stench.

⁸ A wise heart takes orders;
an empty head will come unglued.

⁹ Honesty lives confident and carefree,
but Shifty is sure to be exposed.

¹⁰ An evasive eye is a sign of trouble ahead,
but an open, face-to-face meeting results in peace.

¹¹ The mouth of a good person is a deep, life-giving well,
but the mouth of the wicked is a dark cave of abuse.

¹² Hatred starts fights,
but love pulls a quilt over the bickering.

¹³ You'll find wisdom on the lips of a person of insight,
but the shortsighted needs a slap in the face.

¹⁴ The wise accumulate knowledge—a true treasure;
know-it-alls talk too much—a sheer waste.

The Road to Life Is a Disciplined Life

¹⁵ The wealth of the rich is their bastion;
the poverty of the indigent is their ruin.

¹⁶ The wage of a good person is exuberant life;
an evil person ends up with nothing but sin.

¹⁷ The road to life is a disciplined life;
ignore correction and you're lost for good.

¹⁸ Liars secretly hoard hatred;
fools openly spread slander.

¹⁹ The more talk, the less truth;
the wise measure their words.

²⁰ The speech of a good person is worth waiting for;
the blabber of the wicked is worthless.

²¹ The talk of a good person is rich fare for many,
but chatterboxes die of an empty heart.

Fear-of-God Expands Your Life

²² God's blessing makes life rich;
nothing we do can improve on God.

²³ An empty-head thinks mischief is fun,
but a mindful person relishes wisdom.

²⁴ The nightmares of the wicked come true;
what the good people desire, they get.

²⁵ When the storm is over, there's nothing left of the wicked;
good people, firm on their rock foundation, aren't even fazed.

²⁶ A lazy employee will give you nothing but trouble;
it's vinegar in the mouth, smoke in the eyes.

²⁷ The Fear-of-God expands your life;
a wicked life is a puny life.

²⁸ The aspirations of good people end in celebration;
the ambitions of bad people crash.

²⁹ God is solid backing to a well-lived life,
but he calls into question a shabby performance.

³⁰ Good people last—they can't be moved;
the wicked are here today, gone tomorrow.

³¹ A good person's mouth is a clear fountain of wisdom;
a foul mouth is a stagnant swamp.

³² The speech of a good person clears the air;
the words of the wicked pollute it.

And there you have it.